Conflicted.

Yeah, I failed to blog yesterday. There are really only two things in my head at present and one of them is a good friend in a painful situation that I can't fix for her and have no business discussing here and the other, well yesterday the other was just too much.

Regular readers (I assume there must be at least one) will know that I've been looking to change jobs. And that I'm very worried about the implications of doing that. I'm also worried about the implications of not doing it to be frank but I've now reached a point where I can see drawbacks in every road I could take and now I think I have chosen the way to go.

I do a dumb job at the moment but it wasn't always so. I've worked hard over seven years and through performance related pay I've worked up to quite a decent salary. For the work I currently do, it's more than decent. The last couple of months of job hunting have shown me that even if I discount the cost of commuting out to Leeds, I can't pull in the same money doing a similar job here. Also, because all my recent experience is in the monkey job, it's hard to prove my worth when applying for higher level jobs. So that's one thing.

Then there's the fact that my mortgage is tied to my current employer at a good rate. Yes, I have a tax penalty to go with that but it still better than we'd be without it.
Where I am now, I can pick my hours - more or less - and they're reasonable about making changes when necessary.
I have the fatigue to consider too. I've got job security where I am, as much as that exists these days. If I took a new job, full time, and then had an attack like I had earlier this year? I'd be out on my ear in a heartbeat. In addition (my tests came back and I need more tests on my cortisol) I know my current employer will accomodate hospital appointments but can't rely on that with anyone new.
My current employer does childcare vouchers, not all employers do.

I don't particularly want to work full time but I know we can't go on indefinitely on this income. It's a struggle at the moment and I worry constantly about affording things. When I first lit the fire under me to change jobs, I sold myself on the full time thing. I knew that finding a job in a smaller town, at the same salary AND the same hours was going to be impossible. We had a wonderful holiday this summer, with the best will in the world I know we could in no way give Small another one and keep me working two days a week. With the way essentials keep rising in price, it's doubtful we'd even be able to afford to heat the house!

Then there's Small. I think he'd benefit amazingly from nursery. He's nearly 3 and won't be accepted by the nursery attached to our local junior school until next September. It's too long for him to wait. He's a bright, funny, sociable boy and would really thrive among other children. I do my very best to keep him active and teach him through play and all these things but... well, I certainly don't get the variety of things done that a good nursery can. I've found a good nursery too. One that does forest school, outdoor play in all weathers, adventurous and healthy foods - hell they even get the kids growing food and then eating the crop! Ofsted love them, they're wonderful. We have a visit scheduled for Monday to look around it but I've been around one of their sister sites a few months ago and was so impressed. I really hope they have space for him.

So yeah, I'm going to go back to work full time, where I already work. It's the best thing I can do at the moment and Big and I can really make it work. I feel horribly guilty for planning to spend less time with Small, but we need this and it's going to be so good for him too. I get to find out if I can work full time without burning all my bridges and there's nothing stopping me from changing jobs later if I still really need to.
Oh but my baby boy. The guilt.